The Breathing Prosperity blog

I’ve been lost in my money thoughts for the past few days, breaking down the pieces, putting them back together again, wishing I had a tape recorder to record my thoughts – the ones in my head – I should invent that! Anyway after my two day ‘money isn’t real’ thought, let’s get back to earth and discuss money patterns and relationships.

Most people have money patterns. Money flows this way, out that way and most are born and die and nothing ever changes. I had a co-worker a few years ago and she recounted to me once that every time she made a certain amount of money in a $401K, she would lose her job, use the 401K and start over from scratch – that was her pattern.

Now most people spend their lives either trying to prove their parents wrong or right. I was always one to prove them wrong…go figure! (I did a test that said I was 99% nonconfirmist – can you believe that – me a nonconformist – who makes these tests and where is my other 1%?) Anyway people develop patterns for a reason. My pattern was and has always been to be a part of any male-dominated market, which is why I picked up trading. I was always trying to prove my father wrong – always trying to prove I could do just as well or better than a man. He never said it, but kids pick up meanings in everything and his actions towards me – the oldest child – always left me with the thought that I would never be as good as a man. I remember he wouldn’t teach me to drive because I wasn’t a guy but I’d always have the luxury of washing his car. I remember once I was 13 – my brother was 8 years younger, so around 5; my sister was 10 – they were leaving for work and it was the summer break so no school, and they gave us lunch money for all 3 of us to buy lunch. Who does my dad give the money to? My 5 year old brother. Now that money memory has stuck with me for how many years/ – great now I’ve got to figure out how old I am – anyway a number of years: ‘only men are good with money.’ I’m recounting this not to place blame on my parents but to make a point – for a lot of my life I was unconciously trying to prove to my dad that I was just as good as a guy – love me, love me, see I can do guy things except pee standing up, treat me the same.

Now my mom was always a self-employed independent woman. I had never seen her work for someone else as long as I had known her, and so naturally my pattern as I grew up was that I resented having a 9-5, and my relationships seemed to mirror my parents as I always dated guys who never seemed to have as much money as I did. That would kill my goal of I can do just as well as or better than a man theory now wouldn’t it?…so I needed to date guys who were dependent upon me for money or made significantly less.

In friendships or even jobs I would always play the role of lender – never borrower – I always had the most money. There was even a running joke that Bank of Ophelia was now open. I used to say I must have ATM written on my forehead. People – even people I hardly knew – would borrow money. It was like once I walked by they could see the sign that said SUCKER! My tenants wouldn’t pay and I’d let it slide – I would never ask for re-payment because as long as they didn’t pay me back, I had their love; they would be friends with me. I don’t even believe the word ‘No’ came into my vocabulary, and to add insult to injury they’d owe me money and come back for a new loan. Why go to a bank when one is just a phone call away?…

I dated this guy once who didn’t fit my traditional mold. He made about 1/2 a mill a year – we all know how that ended – but he had the worst credit I’d ever seen. At the time it boggled my mind how someone made that much and had such bad credit. He grew up to credit being unimportant, and parents hiding from bill collectors, and to him he could buy anything as long as he had cash, even with all that money – he was still horrible at paying his bills.

Now that I’ve given you a brief rundown of myself, you may know me better than I know myself. Most times you hear it in the news that if you cut up your credit cards and save money every month for forever and a day that you will be fine and that its the way to wealth. Isn’t that what all these books are based on – that if you can just do a, b, and c then it will be fine? Don’t overspend, don’t buy on credit, pay it on time, live frugally, retire at 65 with 1 million dollars – but as I just pointed out, money isn’t that cut and dry. Money has emotion under it – it’s like someone who is overweight – it’s great to say ‘diet and exercise and you will get thin’, but what about when that person gets upset and automatically reaches for that tub of ice cream? That’s how they drown their sorrow. That ice cream to them means comfort, acceptance.

Someone who loves shoes may have cut up their credit card but they break up with their boyfriend and they think what will make me feel better? You break all your budgets and plans and get a couple pairs of Manolo’s.

So today your exercise is to figure out your money patterns: What do you repeatedly do when it comes to money? What emotions do you use it to express? Do you spend to make yourself feel better? Then take a moment after you’ve figured it out, and think back to why you need money to fill in that gap – what are you asking for (love, self-esteem, acceptance, validation, etc.)?

Check out this great book: Build Your Money Muscles

Tags: limiting beliefs, money muscels, wealth mentality